In Heaven, competition for control of the Jukebox was always intense.

Love Unlimited Orchestra - I Wanna Stay
(From 'Music Maestro Please')

Buy it off Gemm


Of an evening, Kenneth would meet his friends at the old K-Dub-Klubb, the one with the archways. The shades of blue and orange you got there were some of the most beautiful and vivrant things the entire crew had ever seen - it was worth the bit extra. This was around 79, maybe even 84. Even then it wasn't clean, but the people were friendlier. 'I Wanna Stay' was a massive hit around this time - socks would get lost amidst frenzied dance moves. Kenneth & His Krew would be forever trying to outdo one another in the 'nutty dancing' stakes. This was a sweep-stakes on the coming weeks football games. Those that lost vast sums of money would often try and dance their way out of debt.* It seemed as if Kenneth's mate, Enrico Ian Arnold Dweckingthwaite-Smolnodedgian, was permanently having to come up with ever-more elaborate bogles in order to survive the various writs and summons he was subject to. Without fail, Enrico would frump and doodle his knees to the sounds of Love Unlimited Orchestra. "If you look beyond the cheese", he would say abruptly, referring to the saccharine string arrangements, "Baz has got a well tuff sound". These sentiments were not lost on Danny Krivit, who lived nearby. Personally, Ken liked the strings. He kept it to himself, however, especially after a drunken confrontation with Q-Tip in the queue for the loos. But that was Rotherham in those days - you couldn't say anything without upsetting someone. And of course, by work the next day, everyone knew.


*With, it must be said, wildly varying degrees of success. Of course, it depended entirely on the mood and demeanour of the person owed money. It was not uncommon for some appalling dancers to wriggle ineptly out of trouble, especially if the money was owed to a benevolent soul such as Kenny Everett or Felicity Kendall. These guys would admire a person's honesty and sincerity - "it's shit but its genuine" - or, at the very least, take pity: "how's a man who dances like THAT possibly gonna make any money?". Looking back, Ken thought, its a wonder they didn't introduce some sort of banning system. He pondered a while. But this was before the internet, he realized. And people were more naive.