Chewing More Than He Had Bitten

Bear - Buckley

Desperation was hitting Clive over the head with a big stick, its nagging persistence only leading him further up the garden path. Was he to accept the award? He lined up the possible resolutions to this issue in his head, determined that the solution couldn't resist being drawn out by some kind of manly brawl. To aid this metaphorical assessment of the arguments, Clive was staging a race between a hedgehog and a garden cane, the latter of which he was unsportingly propelling using his arms. "On the one hand", thought Clive, watching the 'hog struggle to move from the starting line where he had been firmly glued down, "the award is the institutional embodiment of everything I loathe, presented by lackeys who know less than I have forgotten in my allotted span on this earth.” But the lucidity of the contrary position was also making itself heard as the cane careered its way to victory - after all, though only a piece of paper, the award did represent the culmination of a term's hard work, mastering the intricacies and delicate flavouring that Beginners' Horticultural Embellishment: Level One (Basic) offered. Even though Clive had been disappointed at the time spent in any actual gardens (none), and slightly intimidated by the gruff teacher's manner (warning her charges that the trowels laid out at the front of the class were for ornamental purposes only, unless they desired a Flymo being launched in their direction), he nevertheless resolved to collect the photocopied trophy. Sod it, he remarked to himself, the course was time well spent, even if it wouldn't bring back his finger.

it's pointless, they're dead