Ah, Some Reviews At Last!

Jason Terror - Minge Parcel EP (Elf Gob)
I don't know much about the label, but everyone and their mother knows about Jason Terror these days. A low pitch robot voice grumbles 'Made in Birmingham' at the run-out groove - not that we need telling, mate, those whistles have 'Dudley' written all over them! Seriously though, its standard fare from Mr Terror, you get the feeling he's riding his luck a bit on the third track 'Salmon Handcuffs (Fuck-Off Upholstery Rework)' - over his trademark funky filters real-time recordings of "over thirty close personal friends pretending to be raped" (it says here) are put through the grinder - chewing up some shocking data and setting off all dancefloor alarm systems. More edifying are ragtime electro numbers 'Soily Balls' and 'Quilten Fom' - first and fifth tracks respectively - the first is all angelic choruses and soft pads, the last a bit more aggressive with random clunks and shouts muffled under big boots. Must try harder - a big digitised crossbow in the sky for effort.

The Civilian - The Return Of The Civilian 12" (Civilian Recordings)
Well, yes, there's a bloke on the cover of this record but fear not its actually those lively Geordie birds The Engines in disguise on their new Civilian label. I got the Civilian track on the last Oh No Not More Of Them compilation and was impressed - I was completely sleep-deprived when a mate told me that it was The Engines, you'd never guess as The Civilian's brand of chest-thumping, soul-affirming microstep makes a total contrast with their alter-egos' delicate gloom-folk. It is a rather tenebrous materialism the girls peddle on the eponymous opener - dark satin folds of 909 and 202 cushion harsh snares whilst Jane and Janey Engine construct a narrative of return that takes in St. Thomas, Darwin, T.S. Eliot and the West Bridgford disaster. Meanwhile, crunchy biscuits 'The Way It Was Before (edit)' hints at pleasures to come on the forthcoming album due out in the new year - loops scrape up against one another, waves scuttle and scatter across a volley of kicks whilst a lone snare sniper has space to echo around the ocean's depths. The lyric, a tragicomic tale of life in Dundee at the time of the great fire, ends with Jane and Janey trading splenetic syntax over what sounds like a monkey farting whilst two kids jump up and down on the belly of a dying donkey. On the flip, those cheeky trumpets Titan & Jupiter are at it again with their daring mixture of progressive and tribal beats, leaving the bassline untouched and providing a broader canvas on which to squiggle their audio do-do.

The Cannons - 'Fire Gravy Pumps' b/w 'Look At These Graphics' (remixes) (Chinny Wreck-On)
Although they're generating fathoms of infamy amongst certain members of the dancefloor fraternity at the moment, the real story here, the fourth single from The Cannons's debut longplayer 'Clear Off Down The Cannons', is the artwork. Somehow beating the censors, a huge red mass of colour obscures all the words on the sleeve - my mate's girlfriend thought they'd fallen off, but no, they're just on the track itself, getting in the way and spoiling what otherwise seems an extremely listenable, average piece of friendly house. 'Look At These Graphics (Awful Smell Mix)' on the flip fares the worst - the bassline runs up against the drums, derailing the mid-range and sending the envelopes flying - whilst the snares snake their way past 'L', both 'O's, a 'K' and an 'A' before getting snagged on the 'T' and running round and round for a bit till they begin to sag against the hot chorus and melt. The Steamy Dribble Edit is a fellow time-waster - the extra letters aren't even called into action and just tail off looking untidy. For best effect, you will need a group of your biggest mates to help hold the letters off for as long as you can - tackling large amounts of script in small numbers of maybe four or five seems to work better than focusing attentions on just one or two letters as these beats are fast! If you catch this quick enough then the special pressing restricts the letters from doing any further damage, though those kind chaps at Chinny Wreck-On have promised a limited second run of olive green copies with unrestrained script - get the cleaners in, cos these letters are violent and prone to eccentric bursts of rage in which I have seen a whole battalion of hard mates quite literally eaten alive.

- And, speaking of The Cannons, there'll be a night on at The Packet near Flixborough, cheekily titled Fibre, Flood and Impact (Damage!), where The Cannons will talk about their new screenplay, and the Filthy Soaking Scratch Colonels and the Crossfader Camels will battle it out on the ones and twos. Camels' fan favourite Kutwize Kate is definitely out with a hamstring while both Lightspeed Luke and Arthritik are doubtful. For the Filthly Colonels, DJ Dan Jones and Spoonlike are definitely out with a phone ringing whilst young trio Bassman Tim, Bulletproof Barry EQ and 'Mad' Hassan Wrigley all face late fitness tests. If the Colonels lose, they will be five points clear of the dropzone at Christmas, after leading the way for the first half of the season. The Mixers Of Elvin Force and Box Crew both play on Saturday, knowing that three points will be enough to guarantee a place in America. Afterwards, light refreshments follow a seminar by Gazzy Geoff on the potential of the turntable as a musical instrument. Patrick Pulsinger, Jim O' Rourke, Hecker, Kevin Drumm and Digital Dan The Noisy Nextdoor Man will also be on hand to talk about the potential of the laptop as a storage device for Word documents and pornography.